A new Army recruit was out on the rifle range.
He fired 50 shots and didn’t hit the target a single time!
His Drill Instructor snapped him to attention and got right in his face.
“What’s wrong with you?” the DI yelled. “Why can’t you hit the target? What did you do for work before joining the Army?”
“I was a Cable TV repairman,” the recruit answered, “and I can’t figure out why I’m missing the target. Let me check something…”
He inspected his rifle once, then again, and even a third time. Then he placed his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the tip of his finger off!
“Well,” the phone man groaned in pain, “the bullets are definitely coming out of this end just fine. So the problem must be on the other end!”
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to discover something exciting and share it with the class the next day.
When it was time to present, the first little boy the teacher called walked to the front, took a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, and sat back down.
Confused, the teacher asked what it was. “It’s a period,” he said.
“I can see that,” the teacher replied, “but what’s so exciting about a period?”
“Beats me,” the boy chirped, “but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, everything I touch hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “If I touch my shoulder, it hurts like crazy. If I touch my knee—OUCH! And when I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know exactly what’s wrong with you—you’ve broken your finger!”
One day an old woman walked into a shop and bought some dog food.
When she went to pay, the cashier told her she couldn’t buy the dog food without proof she actually owned a dog. So she brought in her dog, and they let her buy it.
The next day, the same old lady returned to buy cat food, and again the cashier said she needed proof she owned a cat. So she went home, brought her cat, and got the cat food.
The day after that, the old lady came in again carrying a small box. She told the cashier to put her finger inside, and the cashier did.
She said it felt warm and soft. The old woman then said, “Now that you’re convinced, may I have some toilet paper please!”